


Kitty

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Animal Ears, Animal Traits, Animal Transformation, Catboys & Catgirls, Catgirl John Egbert, Comedy, F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Non-Binary Roxy Lalonde, Trans Male Dave Strider, Transformation, Transgender Concepts, don't worry this is primarily johndave, no beta we die like strays
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:16:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28898013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alchemy is confusing.That’s sort of a given; it’s alchemy, working off of bullshit Sburb mechanics. Of course it won’t make any sense!All John wanted to do was make some cat food. There’s been a stray wandering the neighborhood, and he figured it couldn’t hurt to just try and mix up a few cat-related things with a few food-related things to make something vaguely resembling cat food.What’s the worst that could happen?Well, he surely didn’t get cat food. And, as it turns out, adding a third alchemy ingredient is a really bad idea. So is standing on the platform during the alchemization.Now, not only has the Heir of Breath joined his ectobiological sister in being an animal-person, but he’s become a catgirl instead of a catboy.--Or, in which John turns into a catgirl, and then deals with all of that.
Relationships: Calliope/Roxy Lalonde, Dirk Strider/Equius Zahhak, Jade Harley/Nepeta Leijon, John Egbert/Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Sollux Captor/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	1. One Great Big Furball

John Egbert had an issue. That was an understatement, but there really wasn’t a better way to describe what was going on in the Egbert household.

All John had wanted to do was make some cat food. That’s it. Rose had kept saying that practice makes perfect with alchemy, so what better way to practice than making something as simple as  _ cat food _ ?

Well, “simple” hadn’t been part of the equation. John wasn’t sure what to even use to make cat food, so improvisation was the best plan.

A bit of leftover fish sticks and a cat toy Roxy had left behind ages ago seemed to be a good combination; and, of course John had to fuck everything up by throwing in a bit of the cat’s  _ fur _ at the last minute.

And then had to stand on the platform while the alchemy was doing its thing.

John Egbert came to after the minor explosion had thrown everything about the alchemy room, and rubbed his head gently. What had happened..? He’d been waiting for the cat food to alchemize, and...

...oh, geez. There was a pile of smoking brownish  _ stuff  _ in the center of the platform that looked nothing like cat food, which meant that John’s attempt to alchemize had failed miserably.

Again.

“Damnit...” John swore under his breath as he stood, and... wait, did his voice sound funny? It sounded almost  _ higher _ for some reason. “...what?” He spoke again, and clapped his hands over his mouth. Alright, his voice was  _ definitely  _ higher than before. Was his hearing off? Maybe it was just the explosion messing with his hea--

John felt a strange furry mass atop his head, and grabbed it. It was an  _ ear _ . A  _ cat ear _ . “What the fuck?!” John grabbed at the top of his head again, and felt a second cat ear on the other side of his head. A quick yank proved that they were real, and attached to his head, and his breathing grew shallow.

“Okay, cat ears and a weird voice! This is okay, this is good, this...  _ is a fucking tail! _ ” A long, brown, furry tail pulled itself out from under John, and he crawled back away from it, as if it were some kind of weird snake wrapped around his leg. “Okay, okay, relax, just a tail and ears and... and...  _ and... _ ”

John looked down at his chest, and had to stop himself from chomping down on his tongue. He... he had a  _ girl’s _ body. His skin was smoother, he had more freckles dotting his arms (and likely his face, though he hadn’t checked yet), the faint body hair he’d once had was gone, and of course he had female...  _ parts _ .

John Egbert had  _ boobs _ .

“FFFFFFUCK!” John leapt to his feet, smacking at his torso as if that would do anything. “FUCKING HOLY SHITTING FUCK!” He was a  _ catgirl _ . How did this even happen? Alchemy could modify  _ people _ ?

He had to do something. Call someone. Someone had to know how to fix this! Roxy? Rose? Maybe Kanaya? Terezi..? Or Dirk?

No, no, no. Fixing this could wait. He had to talk to someone. Someone he could  _ trust _ . Just to calm down. Figure out how to cope with this.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 22:32 --

EB: hey dave you busy??

TG: uhh nah not really

TG: whats up dawg

EB: so i kind of... made a mistake.

EB: big accident.

EB: big big mistake.

TG: are we talking big-pink-eraser shit?

TG: or are we talking unmarked-grave shit?

TG: bc im down to help either way but i wanna kno what the fuck im getting into

EB: i dont even know how to accurately describe HOW fucked up the situation is.

EB: can you come over? please?

TG: oh shit

TG: yeah man im omw

TG: you ok? need me to call jade or something

EB: no just you!

EB: just. you.

EB: dont tell karkat or anything

EB: please

TG: alright man youre kinda worrying me now

TG: are you safe?

EB: yeah i just...

EB: its hard to explain!

TG: well im almost here so

John stood up and hurried to the front door, pulling it open as Dave landed on his front step. There was a long moment of eye contact between the two, and John couldn’t read Dave’s expression behind his aviators. Was he looking at his...?   
No. Not Dave.

“...holy shit, dude.” Dave managed to spit the words out after nearly a minute of staring, and swallowed heavily. “Yeah, this is a fucked-up situation. Jegus.”

“ _ Yeah! _ ” John hugged his chest, rubbing at his now-smooth arms. “Come in, come in...” He stepped away from the door and sighed, adjusting his glasses. “I’m pretty bad at alchemy, huh?”

“Yeah, no shit.” Dave kept staring at John, but broke eye contact after a moment. “You... you sure screwed the pooch this time, dude. Guessing this wasn’t intentional..?”

“What? No! I’d at least  _ tell _ you guys if I wanted to...” He let the sentence hang in the air, and took a deep breath. “Dave, I... I’m a  _ girl _ now. Physically, at least.”

“Yeah, I can tell. Do you...” Dave scratched the back of his neck, taking a deep breath. “Do you want to like... still be a guy? Or are you okay with this whole being-a-girl-thing?” His wording was awkward, but John got the gist of it, and shook his head.

“I don’t kneow.” Uh... that’s not what he meant to say. “...kneow. Kneow. Meow. KNOW!” John stumbled over the word repeatedly, and Dave’s eyebrows raised when a “meow” came out of his best friend’s mouth. He didn’t say anything, but it was... entertaining. And strange.

“Alright. Let’s just relax, man, alright? Deep breaths. This is all hella fucked up, and I might know some shit about being trans, but I know jack shit about being trans in this way. Not to say you’re transgender, unless you are, but... y’know, you’re a guy, and you had a male body until very recently, and this is mondo fucked up for you. Jade would probably know more about the cat-side of things, especially since she’s with Nepeta, but I really don’t know shit at all, so let’s just sit down and watch a movie and try to cope with this, okay?” Dave prattled on for nearly a minute, his hands firmly on John’s shoulders. John slowly nodded, and Dave nodded along with him. “Also, be careful, you totally have fangs.”   
  


“FANGS?!” John buried his face in his hands, and Dave wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“Shh, it’s all good, dude. You’re fine. We’ll figure this out, alright?” He led the newly-alchemized catgirl to the couch, and turned the TV on. “We’ll just watch some shitty movies.”

John nodded, and started  _ Con Air _ for the thirteenth time that week alone. “...thanks, Dave.”

“No problem, dawg. Just... we ARE gonna tell everyone else you’re a cat, right?”

John stayed silent for a good long minute, and nodded. “Tomorrow. I’ll call Jade and Rose tomorrow. Just... stay with me for tonight, okay?”

Dave nodded, and turned to the movie. “Of course. I got your back, dude.” He resisted the urge to pat John’s head, figuring it was a bit early in his catgirl life to be doing that sort of shit.

By the time the movie was over, they’d both fallen asleep then and there, cuddled against one another, the TV throwing their shadows against the walls.


	2. My Ectobiological Sister, My Best Friend, My Best Friend's Ectobiological Sister, and Me

Jade Harley awoke that morning to her cellphone vibrating constantly, nearly falling off the end-table with how many notifications she was rapidly getting. Beside her, Nepeta was groggily sitting up, and Jade planted a soft kiss on her cheek. “Morning, Nep. You get some more sleep, hun, I’ll deal with this. Probably just Dave going on about something silly again,” Nepeta didn’t need to hear that one twice; she laid back down instantly, curled in the blankets and started snoring again almost immediately.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 06:31 --

TG: jade

TG: jade

TG: jade

TG: jade come on

TG: jade

TG: jade

TG: jade

TG: wake the fuck up harley

TG: you have a brother to deal with

TG: jade

GG: geez, dave! im up! what is it??

TG: oh finally

TG: ok so like

TG: you know how awful at alchemy john is?

GG: oh no, what happened? is he okay??

TG: well technically yes?

TG: kind of

TG: hes alive and not injured or anything

TG: in a literal sense

GG: dave, i dont understand... is john okay?

TG: hes fine just

TG: kind of a catgirl

GG: oh, ha ha! youre just being ironic again :D

TG: im not fucking with you here jade

TG: this would be a great thing to fuck with you about but for once theres no irony involved whatsoever

TG: johns a catgirl. alchemized his ass right into felinehood

GG: wait seriously???

GG: ohmygosh ill be there ASAP!

GG: are you at his house? is rose there yet?

TG: yes and no

TG: in that order

TG: cya soon

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 08:01 --

Jade climbed out of bed in a hurry, planting another kiss on Nepeta’s cheek. “I’ve gotta go! I’ll be back later, call me if you need anything, I love you!” She sped through her words and out the door, only to appear in John’s living room in that exact same moment.

“John! I came as soon as I heard. Are you okay? Is everything alright?” Jade continued rattling off words as she appeared out of thin air, scaring John and Dave half to death. “You’re not hurt, right? Are you still you? Any mental degradation or changes?”

“Jade, Jade, chill! Yes, it’s still me,” John, who very vaguely resembled the John that Jade had known more than half her life, stood up from the kitchen table and held his hands out. “Geez! You’re more freaked out than I was...”

“Well my BROTHER is a CATGIRL, I think I have the right to be freaked out!” Jade placed her hands on the sides of John’s face, getting a look at his brand-new features. He now resembled her a good deal, which was a tad bit surreal, but there was enough overlap with how John usually looked for it not to be totally uncanny. “This is so damn weird...”

“Yeah, you think so?” John piped up and pulled away from Jade’s hands, rubbing his cheeks gently. “ _ I’m  _ the one who actually got alchemized, you know!”

“How’d you even  _ manage  _ this? Did you...” Jade glanced to Dave, who half-shrugged.

“He stood on the platform while alchemizing some cat food. I’ve already given him plenty of shit for it, don’t worry.” John gave Dave a look and sighed, scratching the back of his neck.

“Yeah. There’s been a stray cat wandering the neighborhood lately, and I wanted to try and alchemize some food for it, and...” He gestured vaguely to himself, lifting up his fuzzy tail in one hand. “I guess the cat’s a girl? Since I used some of its fur, and that’s probably what fucked everything up.”

Jade adjusted her large coke-bottle glasses and continued her examination of John, poking at his ears gently. “Can you feel this?” John nodded, and Jade began scratching at the bottom of his ears. A sound that could only be described as a viscerally-confused-but-content purr escaped John’s lips, and he leapt halfway across the room as Dave burst into laughter. “So you’ve got full sensitivity. This is a full alchemization, not just a simple cosmetic one.”

“Can we  _ purrlease _ save this for later? When the peanut gallery isn’t watching?” John did his best to gloss over the trilling his voice did on the word ‘please’; unfortunately, nobody else seemed to gloss over it.

“Shit, dude, you’re a regular catgirl now. Give it a week, you’ll be referring to people as ‘meowster’, wearing cutesy maid outfits, and throwing ‘nya’ at the end of every sentence.” Dave (poorly) stifled another laugh at John’s expense, and both Jade and John shot him looks that could very well kill.

Suddenly, both John and Jade’s ears perked up, and they turned to the door. “Rose is here,” They said in unison, and turned to each other with widening eyes.

“Is this how things  _ always  _ are fur-- er, for you?”

Jade nodded, and let out a laugh. “I guess we really are ecto-twins now! I’ll have to teach you how being half-human works, I guess...”

“Is anyone going to let Rose  _ in _ ? Or are we just gonna stand around and say furry shit?” Dave moved to the door and opened it just as Rose lifted her hand to knock, leaving her standing in a very awkward position, staring at the scene taking place in the Egbert household. “Hey, sis, check out the pet show.”

“Oh, go fuck yourself.” Jade laughed, giving Rose a good-natured wave and grin. “Hi Rose! Guessing you heard about John?”

“Of course I heard about John. How are you holding up?” She turned her attention to John, who bore such a striking resemblance to Jade it was nearly uncomfortable. 

“I think the immediate shock has passed, so I’m kind of just pretending this is a cool temporary thing I can goof off with until my good friend Rose fixes it lickety-split and I can just tell my therapist about this next week. Please tell me you can fix this?”

Rose sighed, and said the three words John  _ really  _ didn’t want to hear. “I don’t know,” Then she added the two he  _ hated  _ hearing; “I’m sorry.”


	3. With Frienemies Like These, Who Needs... Wait.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] opened memo: i have an issue! with turntechGodhead [TG], tentacleTherapist [TT], gardenGnostic [GG], carcinoGeneticist [CG], twinArmageddons [TA], grimAuxiliatrix [GA], arsenicCatnip [AC], centaursTesticle [CT], tipsyGnostalgic [TG(2)], timaeusTestified [TT(2)], and uranianUmbra [UU] at 10:27 --

EB: hey all! sorry for the mass memo, but i needed to tell everyone something all at once.

AC: :33< its okay! is this part of why jade left so suddenly earlier?

GG: yes! so so so sorry!!!

TA: why the fuck are you botheriing me 2o fuckiing early

CG: IT’S TEN THIRTY IN THE MORNING, DIPSHIT.

GA: I Really Dont Think This Is Worth Arguing Over At The Moment

TT(2): John, please tell us what the issue is before this turns into yet another memo flooded with incessant arguments.

EB: ok! so uh

EB: i guess its best if i just show you?

ectoBiologist [EB] sent “proof.jpeg”!

CT: D--> I am presuming that this is not something natural for humans to do?

TG(2): daaaaaaaamn egbert youre looking fukcpng weird

TG(2): *fucking

UU: i don’t qUite Understand the issUe?

UU: are your ears not meant to look that way?

TA: lmaooooo egderp2 a purrbea2tgiirl

TA: karkat look iit2 liike your dumba22 manga2

CG: FUCK OFF. THIS IS SERIOUS.

CG: LET ME GUESS, ALCHEMY?

TT(2): Let me guess, alchemy?

AC: :00< same wavelength!

EB: yeah, alchemy.

EB: tried to make cat food for a nearby stray, and uh...

TG: shit went south fast

EB: yeah, pretty much!

CT: D--> As much as I can sympathize for your plight, John, I don’t understand why it was required for all of us to know.

TT: I can’t fix it, is why you all need to know.

TT: I spent the past hour and a half poring over every single page I could find on Sburb alchemy. I even read those old GameFAQs wiki pages.

TT: I can’t find anything on how to revert alchemy enacted on a human body.

UU: are you sUre that it was fully alchemy, and not an Unrelated moment of metamorphosis?

TG(2): honey im p sure john finished puberty already

TG(2): and puberty does NOT do that shit 2 u

CG: I’LL SEE WHAT I CAN’T FIND. MAYBE TROLLS FUCKED UP THIS ROYALLY MORE THAN HUMANS.

GA: Rose I Am Assuming You Are At Johns Place Of Residence?

TT: Yes. Jade, Dave, and I are all at John’s house.

CT: D--> I’m not sure how much help it will be, but I’m sure Dirk and I have some sort of machine somewhere that may be able to reduce the effects.

TT(2): I dunno, he is rather cute like this.

TT(2): Are we sure this is worth reverting?

EB: i dont have a dick anymore, dirk

\-- timaeusTestified [TT(2)] has left the memo! --

CT: D--> I apologize sincerely for my matespirit’s actions. I wish you the best in your plight, John.

TG: my brothers a fucking weirdo eq its ok

TA: alriight all joke2 a2iide iill do my be2t two help kk fiigure thii2 2hiit out for you

TG(2): yea!! we got ur back dude!! catgirl or not!!

EB: :B

TG: alright thats fine and dandy and shit but like

TG: whos gonna help me buy him a maid outfit

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] was banned from the memo by gardenGnostic [GG]! --

GG: why do the striders INSIST on making it weird around my brother? why????

GA: I Suppose It Is A Male Hormone Thing?

GA: Given That Neither One Seems To Be Sexually Pleasured All Too Often

GA: I Recently Read A Paper About This Subject

EB: IM CLOSING THIS MEMO BEFORE KANAYA CAN CONTINUE

EB: THANKS GUYS BYE

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] closed the memo: i have a problem! at 10:58! --

“Well, that went about as well as I expected.” John sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Fan-fucking-tastic!” He tossed his phone to the side, burying his face in his hands.

“Come on, man, it... it’s not  _ so  _ bad,” Dave did his best to comfort John, to very little avail. “Karkat already said he’d help look, and as much of a douche as he is, he’s not stupid.”

“And Dirk will most likely be looking as well.” Rose chimed in, still poring over one of the half-dozen books she’d produced from her sylladex. “He’s an ass, but I get the feeling he’s only being an ass to keep things some semblance of ‘normal’ for everyone.”

“We’re here for you, John. We promise,” Jade wrapped her brother in a half-hug, standing behind his seat on the couch, and his unhappy demeanor finally broke.

“Alright, alright. Lemme go, I’ve gotta... go.” There was a brief pause in the room, and nobody moved. “Jade, I’ve gotta figure out how to  _ pee _ !” Both Harley-Egberts started laughing, and John hurried out of the room and up the stairs.

Just before he stepped into the bathroom, and tackled the ocean of problems (and awkward internet searches) that would prompt, he stopped to admire the fishtank sitting in the hall. Captain Ahab, a simple goldfish that had long outlived his life expectancy, blubbed around in his tank.

Absentmindedly, John flipped open the lid of the tank and stuck his hand in, rubbing at Ahab’s side gently as though he were a napping cat. The aging fish didn’t seem to mind the affection, but he certainly seemed to mind when John’s hand wrapped around the orange fish and pulled him out of the water.

“Hey man, you almost done? I gotta sh--” Dave came up the staircase to see John clutching a fish in a dripping-wet hand, staring at it and damn near  _ drooling _ . It had been a weird day for the second-youngest Strilonde (he liked to tell Rose that the 12 hours between his birth and hers had been the best 12 hours of his life), but this certainly topped the list of weird shit to happen. “Alright, what the fuck.”

“Hm? Oh- OH!” John seemingly snapped out of a stupor and dropped Ahab back into the water, staring at his hand as though it’d betrayed him. “I... I didn’t... Was I gonna..?”

“Eat Ahab? Probably.” Dave shrugged and patted John’s back, doing his very best to keep his cool. As he always did. “Just don’t think about it. Ahab’s fine. Just go take your piss. Fish are friends, not food, Egbert; friends, not food.”

John and Dave shared two mutual thoughts at that moment.

The first being “I get the feeling that this is going to be a very, very long day.”

The second being “God, I really do love him, don’t I?”

Neither one said a word about either.


End file.
